An Anchor for my Hope...

A few months ago I received an answer to a prayer I’ve been praying for nearly two decades… seventeen years to be exact. All of my waiting on God’s timing became clear with the hindsight of this moment. All my tear filled nights seemed worth it for the privilege of seeing God’s plan come to fruition as a huge testament to His faithfulness in my life. But…

That answered prayer has brought heartache and tears of its own. That answer doesn’t seem to be the end of my lessons on waiting for God. I’ve had many sleepless nights since getting my answer and many of the fears I’ve spent years running from are staring me in the face. If I’m honest, I feel wrapped up in confusion and chaos of what seemed like a moment that should only hold joy. I also must admit that I have thrown an angry fist in the air while shouting, “Haven’t I tested my faith long enough? Why am I not good enough yet?”

This life isn’t easy for anyone. Highs and lows are all a part of the human condition which can feel disheartening but I have to remind myself that while my emotions and heart may waver, the Father does not. This moment in my life is not new to Him. This isn’t His plan going haywire. I keep repeating the line from Lauren Daigle’s “Trust in You”...

“There’s not a place where I’ll go, You've not already stood…”

See, I truly believe that this moment is exactly as it is intended to be. I have prayed over this situation more times than you can count. I’ve asked for wisdom. I’ve asked for discernment. I’ve asked for clarity. I have seen God work and move in the last seventeen years, in ways that I could not have fathomed in the wildest dreams of my 19 year-old heart. I can say with certainty, that regardless of the outcome, this moment has always been a part of my purpose. I didn’t stumble here by accident but I’m still wracked with apprehension.

However, as I’ve cried out to God over my lack of joy I’ve been reminded of James 1:2, “Count it ALL joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds…” (emphasis mine) Talk about the opposite of a natural reaction or the world’s view on anything! I’ve been reminded that my faith and hope should be in the Promise Keeper not the promise, itself. And perhaps guiltily, I have realized that I am so focused on how I feel in this situation that I have forgotten that the Lord could be using it to work on others.

So, I will be intentionally choosing joy and to trust my circumstances. Not joy as the world sees it because I’m not feeling real sunshiney happy but joy as defined by the fruits of the Spirit. Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t FEEL that way emotionally but I am willing to be willing and sometimes that’s where you have to start. Offer your willingness to the Lord. I’m willing to grow. I’m willing to see outcomes that I don’t understand and I am willing to choose hope for all His plans hold when perhaps that’s not what I was actually “hoping” for in my desires. God is good even when it doesn’t feel like it and for now that's a beautiful reminder to which I can anchor my hope.